Our love is here to stay
by on Sun, January 23, 2011 · 1 CommentI lie back on the couch and put my feet up on his lap. Our daughter is asleep, finally. We are both completely exhausted. He has made us toasted sandwiches- ham, cheese, shredded carrot and wholegrain mustard. I eat the sandwich in a hurry, forgetting to really taste what i’m eating. This is what life is like these days. But at least now we are alone and i can put my feet up on his lap without a small child wanting something- food, attention, a cuddle, sleep.
I love my daughter with a love i never knew was possible, a fierce love that wants to protect and shield and hold. But i need this time with my husband to reconnect. I need this time to touch him and be touched by him; to talk to him about things other than the colour of my daughter’s poo or anything else baby related. I need this time to remember what it feels like to be us- me and him and this love that binds us together.
It is almost 10pm and already my vision is starting to get blurry from the tiredness. I think about how between 2 and 4am, i will hear my daughter stirring in the cot beside our bed and will have to push aside this tiredness to go to her and give her what she needs. I think about the disappointment i will feel when i realise it is yet another night of interrupted sleep. I think about how i will quickly push that feeling aside, feeling guilty that i sometimes begrudge my daughter, my child, for being hungry.
But i also think about how my husband will be right beside me as i feed my child. He will walk down the stairs and into the living room with me. He will bring me a glass of water, turn on the television and keep me company so i won’t have to do it alone. And then we will creep back up the stairs silently like thieves in the night and place our daughter gingerly in the cot, hoping her milk induced sleep wouldn’t be broken. We will hop back on our creaky bed and have a giggle or complain about the heat and talk about not being able to sleep as we fall back asleep.
This is what our love looks like these days- worlds apart from how we used to love but stronger, deeper, simpler.
